Today Was A Bad Day
There are so many thoughts in my head tonight it's overwhelming. And not in a good way. I feel like everything I touched today I failed at. I cried on the walk home tonight. I'm exhausted. I have so many deadlines in the next 48 hours I'm not sure I can handle it. Some of them I will fail at. I'm just trying to make sure the ones that are really important to me get a fair shake. But it's not going to be easy.
It's not that I haven't been carefully planning everything that seems to be conspiring against me right now. But it does seems like there are dark forces really testing me. Or is it just bad luck. I'm not sure. I've spent so much time giving lately that I feel like I deserve a little break - for things to fall my way instead of this amazingly long string of hurdles that seem to be popping up.
It's true that I am trying to accomplish a ridiculous list of projects right now. But it seems like none of it is getting finished because of an odd convergence of things going wrong. I can't really put my finger on it, but it just feels like... well.. unwinnable.
This is right about the time I get paralyzed and of course there is no time for that right now. I need to stay up and work for another four or five hours tonight, but I just can't do it any more. I have to start getting more than three hours of sleep.
"I walked a lonely mile in the moonlight
And though a million stars were shining
My heart was lost on a distant planet
That whirls around the april moon
Whirling in an arc of sadness"
-Gordon Sumner
But just when I feel like I can't go on...
A few nights ago on my way to my French class I stopped and gave a small gift to the professor I had for my level one class to thank him for his kindness in getting me started in learning a new language. It was a photograph I've posted here before of Sacre Coeur in Paris. He wrote me back an email after taking the image home and looking at my website and said some very kind things. "Vous etes tres tres talentueux!" And he said it again tonight when I bumped into him before class.
And he must have shown it to my new French teacher because she came up to me in the middle of class today, I class I was performing miserably in because I haven't had the proper time to prepare in the last few days, and told me in more French that I could fully understand that I had vision and talent.
It was a nice moment... a bit of a something to hold onto in that arc of sadness. It seems like when I'm as down as I can be, it's my art that saves me. No matter how bad I feel about myself, I never feel bad about my photography. It gives me worth, when I feel worthless. I find inspiration in it when I feel pain. I feel love in it when I feel lonely.
I guess that's something.
It's not that I haven't been carefully planning everything that seems to be conspiring against me right now. But it does seems like there are dark forces really testing me. Or is it just bad luck. I'm not sure. I've spent so much time giving lately that I feel like I deserve a little break - for things to fall my way instead of this amazingly long string of hurdles that seem to be popping up.
It's true that I am trying to accomplish a ridiculous list of projects right now. But it seems like none of it is getting finished because of an odd convergence of things going wrong. I can't really put my finger on it, but it just feels like... well.. unwinnable.
This is right about the time I get paralyzed and of course there is no time for that right now. I need to stay up and work for another four or five hours tonight, but I just can't do it any more. I have to start getting more than three hours of sleep.
"I walked a lonely mile in the moonlight
And though a million stars were shining
My heart was lost on a distant planet
That whirls around the april moon
Whirling in an arc of sadness"
-Gordon Sumner
But just when I feel like I can't go on...
A few nights ago on my way to my French class I stopped and gave a small gift to the professor I had for my level one class to thank him for his kindness in getting me started in learning a new language. It was a photograph I've posted here before of Sacre Coeur in Paris. He wrote me back an email after taking the image home and looking at my website and said some very kind things. "Vous etes tres tres talentueux!" And he said it again tonight when I bumped into him before class.
And he must have shown it to my new French teacher because she came up to me in the middle of class today, I class I was performing miserably in because I haven't had the proper time to prepare in the last few days, and told me in more French that I could fully understand that I had vision and talent.
It was a nice moment... a bit of a something to hold onto in that arc of sadness. It seems like when I'm as down as I can be, it's my art that saves me. No matter how bad I feel about myself, I never feel bad about my photography. It gives me worth, when I feel worthless. I find inspiration in it when I feel pain. I feel love in it when I feel lonely.
I guess that's something.
posted by Billy Sheahan at 10:27 PM
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