Buddha Billy

Okay, put the kiddies to bed for this one....

For most of my adult life, I've found that people have gravitated to me when they were trying to figure things out. I must be a good listener because I find that even people who have only known me for a short time seem to unload some fairly personal details about themselves as they seek the answers to their life questions.

I've always been very flattered and honored by that. I know that when I'm trying to work something out, a good friend with patient ears is always a welcome oasis.

I've had plenty of help getting to where I am today. Some of it professional (a big shout out to Charlie!) and a lot of it from the afore mentioned good, close and necessary friends. So since I'm a big believer in the "pay it forward" philosophy, I try my best to be available when my friends are feeling around in the dark.

My friend Jillian decided I was a sort of Buddha during her last visit. "Talk to the Buddha," she kept saying. I can't remember who's idea it was but lately she's been keeping after me to take a picture of Buddha Billy. When I spoke to her a few days ago I was taunted with, "I still haven't seen that picture of the Buddha you promised me in my email." She had me there.

Before I go any further I should mention that although I am not a religious guy by any means, I do have a great respect for Eastern philosophies and beliefs. Much more so than western religions. Buddhism makes more sense to me because it is about making the world a better place by making yourself better from within and more aware of how you affect your surroundings. It's a much more personal thing and that really resonates with me. So Buddha Billy is not meant to disrespect. Buddhas have a sense of humor, right?

I've spent the last twelve years taking photographs of other people. Occasionally I'll show up in one of them, sort of as a guest star, but I've never been the subject of my own photoshoot. I've always preferred to find the beauty in others and make my contribution from behind the lens.

Years ago, when I was spending time with Charlie trying to sort out who I was and find my elusive self-esteem, I decided to sort of rebuild who I was from around my art. It was the one thing that I felt good about in my life. I felt like I was really contributing something to the beauty of the world with it. If I could feel good about that, then I could feel good about who I was also.

At the time, I even toyed with the idea of photographing my own body with all of my perceived flaws and imperfections, just as I had been photographing my subjects. I thought I might be able to find the beauty in myself that way.

For some reason, I never did it. I guess I managed to find my misplaced self-esteem without conducting that art experiment.. I learned to love myself even though I wasn't going to be in any underwear ads anytime soon. My weight has always been an issue my whole life and a few times I've gotten close to getting it under control, but I did it in a way that was fairly dangerous and it never lasted very long.

So as is usually the way I get started on a personal project, I need a little push from my friends. Jillian has been pushing me aggressively and I really appreciate it. When she comes into town, I turn into a full-fledged vegan for four days and I know I feel physically better after those days.

My new environment continues to be healthier for me than my old place in Lincoln Park. I walk so much more than I used to there. I feel better about that. I can feel muscles that have been phoning it in for the last years suddenly complaining about being used again. There's a steep flight of stairs that I walk up from the Chicago River on the way home every day and I used to be so out of breath at the top that I actually had to stop and rest for a moment before continuing on. Now I find I can spring up them pretty easily.

So about this Buddha Billy photo...

Jillian this one's for you. You've been teaching me about myself over the years and I'm quite grateful that you want me to be around to continue to collaborate with you for many years to come. I've seen too many funny guys who remind me of myself not make it too far into the prime of their lives and I feel like I'm just getting to the good part right now. John Candy, Chris Farley. Guys who had big appetites for life and everything that goes with it and aren't around anymore.

The Buddha Billy isn't going away... but maybe there will be a little less of him this time next year. It takes a while to get yourself to a place where you truly want to do it. Anything like this does if you do it correctly, be it quitting smoking or learning to eat right or any of the other things we do to ourselves that aren't really so good.

So here he is. He's larger than life. That smile isn't posing. I'm a very happy man these days. I love my life and the people I share it with. I wanted to make a photograph that would capture the irreverence I feel about myself - even though I have great respect for me. So I figured a sort of shrine to Billy to be just about perfect. Feel free to smile and have a laugh. I know I did when I took this picture.

Talk to the Buddha. Remember: The answer is usually something you can't yet imagine. It will come in time. Time is not an enemy, but a friend. Give it some space to work. You won't be disappointed.

Second Wind

I'm sitting here laughing because it's just before 10pm and even though I couldn't keep my eyes open all evening, I now have gotten the dreaded late evening second wind. I just got off the phone with Jillian Ann and as usual, after a nice long conversation always measured in hours not minutes, I can't even think about going to sleep now. We're in the middle of so many projects now both collectively and on our own that it does seem like sleep is going to lose out once again.

Things are really getting good for her musically now. It's a very exciting time. Soon, very soon she's going to be even bigger than she already is. It's been one of my favorite things the past few years watching it take form. Check out some of her music here: www.myspace.com/jillianann33 It's just demos online at this point. The really good stuff isn't available to the public yet. It's going to be HUGE!

I've know her for about five years now and in that time we've both learned a lot - from each other and from those around us. It's been extremely healthy to have her in my life. Both mentally and physically. She teaches me a lot. Hopefully I'm teaching her a few things as well.

Tomorrow I'm photographing a woman I keep bumping into at various art and fashion events around Chicago. We've been talking about working together for... welll it probably has been a year or two. Her name is Ann Marie Weinert. She's an actor/model/make-up artist/radio personality. I always seem to gravitate to people who have a lot of slashes in their titles. Funny thing though, a friend of mine gave me the nickname of slash for just that reason. I also have a lot of slashes in my "so what do you do" response.

Ann Marie is really great. I've been looking forward to photographing her ever since I first met her at one of those art parties. She is a beauty with skillz. Always an interesting combination. You can hear her on her radio show at Fearless Radio - Ann Marie & Katy.

Must get ready for the shoot tomorrow. Very exciting!

More places to read about Billy

I'm not really a fan of duplicating work. Seems like a waste of time to me. However some of my very blog-savvy friends tell me that having my blog only on www.billysheahan.com is really missing an opportunity to "get my message out there."

So, as of today, if you choose, you can read my blog at these fine locations:

www.billysheahan.com/blog

www.myspace.com/billyphoto

Billy Sheahan's LiveJournal

The blog will be the same at all three locations, although on the www.billysheahan.com location there are other nice things to look at as well, so you may choose the site that best suits your fancy.

I think I've just syndicated myself.

Loving Life

Well that little dip last weekend didn't last long. Thanks to Monkaey and others for slapping me around a little and getting me out of it. Sometimes I don't write in the ol' blog unless I'm feeling something happy or heavy and well, I had a little heavy and it spilled out onto the web.

"Clean up in aisle 4!"

But oh things are back to normal now. I am just loving being on the planet this week. I know that there is craziness out there, both in the US ("If you can find a more insane group of government leaders, we'll give you twice the difference back in cash!") and in Europe ("We're terribly sorry we shot the electrician on his way to work.") but becuase it seems like it's just so relentless lately, I'm trying to keep a reasonable face on all of it. I think it's all we can do. If the world is ugly, lets try to put some beautiful out there. I never want to become numb to it as easy as that might be, but I want to try to equalize it a bit.

That's where the artists come in. They take the pain, sadness, anger, joy, lust, beauty and put it on the wall, right where it should be. Imagine if the suicide bombers were given paint brushes and canvas (wow, I just typed pain brushes by accident... or was it an accident... hmmm) ... anyway... Imagine if the suicide bombers were given paint brushes and canvas and told to PAINT the 72 virgins instead of being taught how to kill for them... I wonder what the world would be like. Better... much better.

Yes, so I am loving my life right now. Last night I was celebrating the birthday of a good friend of mine and she and some other friends of mine were hopping from one restaurant/bar to another hoping to find one with working air conditioning in the 100 degree heat, and we ended up having cocktails at my place. The air conditioning works swimmingly here.

Sore feet led to trying on some spectacular thigh high boots that I keep around for such an occasion, and an impromptu photoshoot broke out. I LOVE it when that happens. I adore my new studio! The photos were nothing scandalous or anything... more rock star than anything else. I'll have to get permission from my friend before I post anything from that shoot up here, because that's my way, but it was tremendous fun and I'm still buzzing about it today.

In the meantime, I'm working on editing Jillian Ann's music video that we shot a couple of weeks ago. I shot it in High Def and the footage turned out great. Now it's just a matter of trying out different things in the edit to see what seems to go together best. I love editing and this project is definitely a labor of love. Here's a screen grab from the rough cut.



The song that we're creating the music video for is one of her older ones, but one that I have been thinking about using in some film project ever since I heard it, so we decided maybe instead of finding a film project that I was working on that we could use it in, we would create the film project ourselves. Sometimes the most simple ideas are the best. The piece is called Movement in Slow Motion. The video is pretty much just that. But anything with Jillian in it is never just anything!

Here's another still image from our recent shoot. I love living my life.

Now stop reading this and go out and find something to love about your life!

I mean it!

Right now!

Do it!

Some Honesty and Some Joy

It's the middle of the night again. I always find myself here on the weekends. Up when I should be fast asleep. This time it was because of a ferocious headache that kept me in bed pretty much all day. Finally at 11pm I climbed into the tub, after having swallowed a little too much Exedrin, or more accurately, Wal-drin, and finally able to open my eyes, re-read a great book that my friend Jillian Ann encouraged me to purchase last year.

It's called The Artist's Way. It's a great book for those of us who sometimes have self-doubts about our own art. I read it when Jillian first pointed it out to me, but I was having a bit of an art crash today during that blinding headache and I needed a little recharge.

By art crash I mean a kind of depression I sometimes feel when something is either blocking my art from happening or I'm not feeling particularly creative or I'm questioning my ability. I was definitely experiencing all of those things today.

It could also be a kind of post partum depression following last weekend when Jillian was in town for 75 hours and we spent almost all of those hours creating some of the most wonderful art I've ever been a part of. Here are two of the images we made.





There's so much more to tell about that wonderful shoot, but I am in a very thoughtful place tonight, so I'll talk more about the Jillian shoot another time.

The work I did with Jillian aside, it's not hard to imagine that sometimes it's difficult to find women willing to be subjects for my work. Most people spend their whole lives trying not to be naked in public and much of my work not only requires they toss that fear away but that they agree to have a permanent document of the experience in the photographs we make. Believe me, I respect any trepidation on their part.

Fortunately, my work seems to speak in a positive way to the women who see it. I'm humbled to find that women see the beauty that I see reflected back to them in my images. I'm awed by women, I believe in the goddess and it clearly is evident in my work. But actually collaborating with me to make it is understandably not for everyone.

This week, after about a year and a half of discussions with a potential subject (sometimes it does take that long to establish a photographic relationship) we mutually decided that now wasn't the time. Never say never, but at least for the time being we'd take working together photographically off the table. I'd be lying if I said it didn't make me a little sad even though at this point I completely agree it wouldn't be right for her.

So if I'm going to be honest with myself, I think a large bit of my crash has to do with the idea that for the first time in a long time I don't have a local model to work with on a regular basis. Part of the reason is that I'm a little particular about who I'm photographing. And it's not why you might imagine it is. It's not impossible to find women to collaborate with, but it is difficult to find women whose minds inspire me as much as their physical beauty. I know it might sound crazy to speak of a subject's mind in a photograph, but it's really not. If I'm not relating to them on a level beyond the physical, I'm not going to be able to create the image I want to.

There has to be something that engages me beyond the skin deep and that usually means I have to have known them for a time before we even discuss shooting. It’s why sometimes it does take a year or longer before we get to the "should we shoot" question. At least if the image is going to mean something to me on a purely artistic level. Does that make sense?

Anyway, I'm feeling a little better now, despite the artificial jet lag that my sleep schedule has once again caused. The sun will be up soon and I'll be up to greet it. This is usually around the time I catch one of my European friends online who greet me with a "What the hell are you doing up at this hour?!"

In the meantime, I've got six or seven hundred new images to catalog that Jillian and I created last weekend, on top of a music video that we shot as well... so maybe all this introspection is just fatigue gone wild. I'll have more of the joy of Jillian Ann the next entry.

Wow... (humbled, awed and grateful)

Milestone
n 1: stone post at side of a road to show distances [syn: milepost] 2: a significant event in your life (or in a project)

I'm exhausted both physically and emotionally. But it's the kind of exhaustion you feel when you've completed something incredible. My friend, collaborator and muse Jillian Ann (www.jillianann.com) was in again this weekend and we spent three days creating wonderful art and not sleeping nearly enough. But we'd both agree it was worth it.

The images we created are like nothing I've ever created before. I'm going to bed now, but I'll start with this one... one Jillian picked from the hundreds of photos we made.

Independent Day

It's days like this that I feel very independent. I've locked myself in my new space here for the weekend, so I can finish putting the place back together. But that doesn't mean I can't take a break and head up onto the roof! I went up there wondering if any of the Chicago fireworks would be visible.. As I suspected, I'm just a six story building on the west side of some of the tallest buildings in the world between me and the fireworks - so nope, nothing.

However, much like at my old place in Lincoln Park, I had a clear view of the western horizon and all the 4th of July fireworks going on there. Some might consider the western view from the west loop to be a little flat and boring. I guess it is, although you can't beat the light when the sun is setting. It streams in my floor to ceiling windows and lights my place up every afternoon.

However, I find the view very interesting, sun or no sun. The old water towers still remain on many of the buildings. The El runs by every few minutes and on a night like tonight, the cool breeze just makes you happy to be alive.


I made this image looking northwest. I propped up my camera on one of the railings on our rooftop deck to hold it steady for the long two and a half second exposure. I'm not sure if the fireworks show I was photographing was part of a city-sanctioned display or if someone was putting on a nice illegal private show for the neighborhood, but it was close enough for me to get some nice images as the many other fireworks shows exploded along the horizon.

I enjoyed my little fireworks show away from the millions that headed to the lakefront tonight. The photograph is much more personal to me. I know that no one else made this particular image tonight. I even managed to get the El streaking through in the lower right third of the photo. Not bad considering I wasn't allowed to leave the building today.

I'm still here... really

Don't you hate it when bloggers go weeks without updating their blogs. Me too... and I'm guilty. Been moving into my new space. Painters, redoing the floors, new furniture, changing the lighting, new fixtures... everything. By the end of this weekend though, I should be in.

Two wonderful people in my life said some very nice things to/about me in the last week. One happened a little over an hour ago. One of my best friends Ryan went on for some time in great deal about what she loved about my photography. It does mean more to me when women find something in my work, since my work is largely about women. I could have cried, sitting across the table listening to her. She gets what I am trying to do. I love her for it.

Thank you Ryan.


And if I haven't gone on and on enough about another dear friend and muse Jillian Ann, well strap yourselves in. I'm flying her back into town next weekend and I'm being very selfish with her this time. I get her all to myself for three days. I usually share, but I think our work is never what it could be when half the time, I'm her chauffeur/PA/secretary. Don't get me wrong, I love helping her get around and being her Chicago base, but it will be nice to get a little more time with her. We can experiment. We're going to work on a music video for her as well.

She had some nice things to say about me in her blog the other day. She is someone who I get so much from in a personal/artistic/human way that I'll never be able to give back what she gives me, but her words made me feel quite special and happy that she feels the same way about our work as I do.

It should be a wonderful busy creative few days. I can't wait. Jillian Ann in my new space! Yea! She inspires my art like few do.

Now it's bed time.